April 8th

*The following may be triggering or disturbing for some individuals, please read at your own discretion*

April 8th 2017 To anyone who knows me would think that this day was a routine day for me, I went to class and then went to practice. Except this day wasn't just a normal day for me, it was the day that I would go on my first date. In my nineteen years of life I had never been on a first date. The anticipation leading up to this day was a constant the entire week prior. I tried to be as casual as possible, I had met this man online so although I wasn't holding out much hope for our relationship to go any further than this first date I was still anxious, excited, and counting down every minute until he was supposed to arrive. I got a call at around 5:30 and he let me know that he was pulling up to park his car. The walk from the parking lot to my dorm was a decent 4 minute endeavor so I knew I had enough time to spray some of my favorite perfume on me and then I would have to head down to the lobby. When I got down to the lobby I was greeted by some of my closets friends who just happened to be the buildings RA's, they showed their excitement for me by watching for him to walk up the path to the dorm like they were waiting for the birthday boy to be surprised by a party. When I saw him walking up to the building I went outside to greet him first and the first thing I noticed was that he was rose-less and chocolate-less. I'm not sure if that's actually something that's a commonality for first dates or if that's just something I made up from watching too many unrealistic romcoms. Nonetheless I greeted him with an enthusiastic hug and he immediately asked me what I wanted to do. That was also something I thought that was already supposed to have been planned, I was under the impression that he was taking me out to dinner but I guess not, I suggested we walk around campus and simply get to know each other. He quickly agreed and then we headed off towards what I thought to be the best route around Murray State's campus. The conversation between us never died, it was a constant comfortability I felt with him and I thought it was going really well, we were almost cute together. The night went on and we kept walking and talking about everything from basketball to our families to what our favorite foods were and to our future goals. Time got away from us, neither one of us checked our phones for three hours, we only became concerned with the time once the sun had set and it got to a point where it was so dark we could only see a few feet ahead thanks to the little street lights campus had to offer. This didn't bother me though, I felt safe with him. He had been enrolled in the army for four years at the time and knew self defense so that also added to my calm state but with his arms around me I felt as if he was blocking me from any possible danger hiding around the corner. We decided it was time to go home but he told me that if I wanted to go out again later that night with him and his friends that he would pick me up and at the time I loved this idea, I was already planning what I should wear and how I should do my makeup once I got back to my room. We were walking back to his car and crossing a small bridge by the parking lot he left his SUV when he stopped me and pinned me against the railing of the bridge and put his lips against mine. I thought nothing of it, I reciprocated the action and became engulfed in him. Once we separated it was an unspoken mutuality that what just happened was good. I was giddy on the inside thinking that this handsome man actually likes me and him being a good kisser was an added bonus. He told me he would drop me off at my dorm and he grabbed my hand and we started walking again, I looked back to get a proper look at the scenery, I wanted to remember that moment in a frame. I remember the small stream that flowed under the wooden bridge that was covered in fallen pedals from the flowers in the trees overhead. He led me to his car and walked me to the drivers side of the car, this I thought odd at first but I quickly wiped away my doubt thinking he had his reasons, little did I know that he had some ulterior motives. He pinned me against the drivers car door and locked lips with mine again, as he moved to the nape of my neck his hands moved their way to the small of my back and gradually moved towards the front of my skirt. (Why did I decide to wear that skirt again?) I quickly grabbed his hands and he immediately told me he would stop, he then put his lips back on mine and his hands assumed their previous location, this became a constant cycle, I'd say no and he would tell me that he would stop but just as quickly as he convinced me that this time he would respect me my stomach would churn at how close his hands were again at the slit in my skirt that gave him easy access to what I wanted to keep away from him. I lost count at how many times I had to move his hands and tried to walk away from him but at some point I think it annoyed him just as much as it made me uncomfortable when he opened up the door to the back seat and told me to get in. My immediate hope was that he was done with me and was going to drop me off at my dorm, that thought was crushed as soon as he hopped in the back seat right after me and pushed me to the side. I sat as straight as I could and fixed my skirt so no skin was showing. I had never felt so nervous in front of a man before, this feeling was so foreign to me I didn't know what to think. I finally knew what was happening when his hands grabbed my legs and he forced me into a position of easy access for him. I froze. My mouth went dry and all words left my vocabulary. I had always heard horror stories of girls who were sexually abused on their campus and I never saw myself being one of those girls. After what seemed like a lifetime the only words I was able of forming that I knew would make him either stop or at least go on with caution were "I'm not on the pill." He instantly stopped. I think getting hit several times as punishment for not speaking up sooner was preferable from him continuing his previous actions. I remember him yelling at me for lying and calling me a whore, bitch, slut, basically any name you can think of to insult a female was thrown in my face. He then climbed out of the back seat and sat himself in the driver's and decided to light himself a cigarette while I still laid frozen in his backseat. He told me to fix my clothes and hair while he started driving towards my home. Once out front he turned to the back and looked at me and the last thing he said before I got out the car was "I'm not sure how careful I was so text me once you've taken a plan B." My mouth was still sealed shut as if tape had silenced me. I shut the door and walked in to the lobby where my anxious friends were waiting for my arrival. I wish I was able of giving a simple lie, but once my friend Heather asked me how my night went I could no longer hold in the tears I didn't know were building up. I was rushed into the back office and without even saying anything they knew what had happened and the only audible noise were the sounds of my exacerbated emotion. I probably could've done without reporting it the same night it happened but when your friends are employed by the school they have a job to do. The next two weeks were spent in countless counseling offices on campus, and trips to the clinic. The worst part about dealing with the aftermath was having to tell random people who acted as if they cared about what happened to me. Retelling the same story so many times became so routine for me I questioned if it truly happened or if I was reading from a script. Having to explain that I didn't want to press charges because I never wanted to see his face again was agony, I got the same facial expression from everyone who heard my decision about moving forward, it was that kind of look that said a thousand words of disappointment. I didn't care if they were disappointed in me though, what I was most worried about was what my parents would think of me. How was I supposed to tell them what happened to their baby girl? Sometime during week two I gained the courage to message my dad about it, I left out several details that I didn't want him knowing and without coming out and saying I was raped he got the message through my hints. I didn't have the heart to tell my mom, but a few days later she saw the very same messages I sent dad and she called me in hysterics. The only thing I knew to do was cry with her while she was screaming my name between sobs. I never knew real pain until this moment. I was sick the whole two weeks after the incident, I wasn't eating or sleeping, or living my life like the way it was before. I don't think I would ever be able to go back to the way it was. I don't think I will ever be able to look at my parents face to face again and know that they will never look at my the same. That night changed me to my core, I became a bitter woman who has trust issues and still don't see myself going back to like how it was almost a full year after this man decided to ruin my life. The man who has such an impact of my life to this day will remain nameless, and not for his well being but for my own.